There Is A Lesson Here Somewhere...God, Help Me Find It!

I have been scolded a few times over my "release" of Ben to Italy. Several people have questioned the judgment of my ex to take my young son to a country that is not particularly hip to Americans. Alone. In turn, my judgment has been questioned. I have staunchly stood by my opinion that, while it might seem totally outlandish to take a 6-year-old to the Amalfi Coast, I believe that my ex only has Ben's best interests at heart and would take every precaution necessary to keep both of them safe.

Yet, 30 hours into the trip, I'm questioning my own actions.

You see, Kevin promised to call me when they landed at Heathrow. Or at the very least, to touch in from Gatwick (also in London). Worst case scenario, I'd get a call from Italy. Which, by my calculations, would have occurred by 2pm today. But in reality, I should have had a call or a voice mail by early this morning. Because they would have landed in Heathrow at midnight, last night.

Excuse me here, but: WHAT. THE. FUCK. ??????????????????????????????????

Now my ex can be inconsiderate, narcissistic, and selfish. But he knows how much I crave contact with Ben. And he's usually quite good at facilitating that.

In an act of desperation, I sent an email off to Kevin's girlfriend. I don't even care, at this point, if he's contacted her. I just need to know that he's contacted someone, anyone so that I can go to bed without the image of Kevin's rental car in a ditch and Ben sitting alone in some Italian police department.

I have no idea how I'm going to sleep tonight. Today, I went from feeling a little pissed off and hurt this morning, to full blown anger and anxiety by this evening. I would never do this to Kevin.

My best friend has been checking in on me all day. "Have you heard anything?" She made a very astute comment earlier: "I don't know if it's easier being married to Kevin or being divorced from him." I don't know either. But I do know that Kevin's chances of taking Ben on another overseas adventure are decreasing rapidly by the hour.

And speaking of hours, I think I found my darkest hours of parenting. I guess I'm getting an early glimpse of what the teenage years could be like - when Ben is out until all hours and I'm sitting at home - watching the clock. I will say this: Kevin is lucky that he's not anywhere close to me right now. Hell hath no fury like a mother without her child...