We just went to the beach for four days. Me, my mom, Ben, my friend "J", my sis and her fiance. We had a lot of laughs. A fair amount of food. Some wine. Great dinners. Sunshine. Beach time. Family time.
If it was so great, then why am I so sad this week?
I'll tell you why: the house is really quiet without Ben and I am missing him quite a lot.
Getting to be mom for four solid days is exhausting, but amazing at the same time. During a four day block when we are actually away from home and free from the distractions of work, school and household chores, I really get to re-connect with my little boy. I get to see him from the moment he wakes up to the final "tuck-in" at bedtime. All the minutes in the day are mine - to watch him, to laugh with him, to love him.
Then the vacation ends and not only is it anticlimactic because suddenly we're thrown back into windy and dry Sacramento and not enjoying beautiful sunsets with a glass of wine anymore, but Ben is off to his dad's for another seemingly long stretch of "Dad" time.
I wonder sometimes if I'll ever get used to this life. Probably not. I think, no, I believe that I was put on this earth to be a Mom. So to wear the Motherhood hat only 50% of the time can feel like a huge disappointment and often has me mired in sadness, a feeling that I force myself to shake - sometimes successfully, sometimes not.
If I really pause and let myself quietly reflect on my role as a Mom, I can tap into the gratitude of having a healthy, bright, funny, sensitive, and loving child. Some people will never have that opportunity and to have it, even in a smaller capacity than I would like, is likely the greatest blessing and the most profound gift I will ever receive.
But divorce still sucks.