Monday, August 24, 2009

Letting Go

I think I might finally be surrendering. Just a little. Or growing up. Or getting wiser and more mature, or maybe realizing that there is so much beyond my control that I can only sit back and really try and let go.

Case in point:

Ben was with his dad this weekend. Or he was supposed to be. Until K (Ben's dad) got called to work an overtime shift and K handed over parenting responsibilities to Dana, his (relatively new) girlfriend. These were responsibilities of the 24 hour order: playtime all day, dinner, bath, bedtime routine, wake-up, breakfast, the whole drill.

To be clear, K would normally call me under such circumstances but he knew that I had a very important (and expensive) training to attend in San Francisco. Apparently Dana was up for the task.

And to be honest, I was actually OK with the whole idea. Not because Dana is a long-time girlfriend who has been on the scene for months and months (she's not and she hasn't been), nor because I knew that Ben would be easy to take care of for a 24 hour shift (he's definitely not).

For the first time, post-divorce, I realized that K is going to make decisions for Ben that don't involve me and the best that I can do is hope that K is keeping Ben's best interests at heart. I don't like that Ben goes to bed late when he's with K and I don't like it when K runs Ben halfway around the world and back, only to drop him with me, tired and jet-lagged. But I do know that K loves Ben more than life itself and he would never entrust Ben's care to just anyone.

I went about my classes this weekend, not at all concerned with what was happening in Folsom with Dana and Ben. The report is that they had a great time swimming and playing with Dana's nieces and nephews and that Dana stayed the night and Ben was just fine.

Now, I don't know how I'll take the news of Dana moving in or assuming more of a maternal role in Ben's life but I do know that Ben will always have only one mommy and that this mommy is wise enough to let go when it doesn't make sense to hold on any longer.


Kari said...

Janeen. Wow. All I can say is that Ben is SO lucky to have you as his Mom. The fact that you feel this way, just shows how very, very much you love your son.

...and K is also VERY lucky to have you as an ex. I hope he appreciates it. If not - know that Ben will.

Lish said...

Glad to hear you didn't show up at the fence ala Kate plus Eight style. Although if she was some shooter girl K had brought home from the bar in the wee hours of the morning, you would be obliged to show up fence-side.