Tuesday, June 2, 2009

9 Things A Single Girl Has To Have

Yahoo never fails to provide endless entertainment for me and last week's feature, "9 Things A Single Girl Has To Have," was no exception.

Being the proverbial single gal, I decided to add my own (realistic) spin to the writer's suggestions. Her points are in italics, mine are in bold:

What provisions do you need to successfully and joyfully navigate your single life? After a little research, I compiled these fundamental single-gal necessities:

#1: The Third-Date Outfit
The first date's a formality. The second establishes mutual attraction. And the third date is all about turning up the heat. So whether it's those saucy black boots you splurged on at Bloomies, or that curve-hugging skirt, or even that sensual spaghetti-strap top, a single girl's gotta have something that makes her feel like a million bucks for that rare but fabulous third date.

Right, and apparently you also have to spend a million bucks to make it to Date 3. Saucy black boots, a curve-hugging skirt, and a sensual spaghetti-strap top? Is it just me or is anyone else thinking Julia Roberts, circa "Pretty Woman?" Yep, I'm quite sure that if I dressed up like a call girl, I'd pretty much secure the next three dates, which WOULD be a rare occurrence, as the writer suggests, but most likely would NOT fabulous. Oh, and we don't have anything known as Bloomies in Sacramento, unless you count the references to old lady panties at my place of employment, so clearly I'm out of luck on this one.

#2: Girlfriends
We make each other laugh, soothe each other through sadness, and stick together even through the toughest breakups, makeups, and in-between times. Gotta have our girlfriends!

Preferably the type of girlfriends who won't judge you for making horrible choices, both in the selection of whom you date, along with the activities that occur on said date. 'Nuff said.

#3: Self-Confidence
Singles should always follow this simple but effective mantra: Always look like you know what you're doing and that you're having fun doing it! Single men love confident women and will follow you all the way from the produce department to frozen foods just to find a way to say hi! When they do, smile confidently and say hi back.

Note to the writer: You must not have small children otherwise you would know that no amount of confidence can erase the fact that there is a (loud and demanding) 5-year-old child nearly vel-croed to your hip as you grin your way through Trader Joe's, Starbucks and the farmer's market. And the 5-year-old is usually not doing anything endearing that would prompt a cute, single guy to stop and compliment you on your perfect child, unless boogers, poop talk, and whining are now considered attractive.

#4: A Passport
After a big breakup, I decided to take my dream Mediterranean vacation. Somewhere between exploring ancient ruins and hiking a 12-mile gorge with a cute Air Force officer, I realized my ex would have hated this trip, which made me appreciate my experience all the more. And whenever I look at my passport, I smile at the fond memories of my singlehood adventure.

Nope, the writer definitely doesn't have small children. Otherwise she would know that a passport would likely expire long before a dream Mediterranean vacation or even a cheap and fast cruise to Baja could ever take place.

#5: The Perfect Workout
Working out is no longer about logging that hour of cardio on the treadmill. It's about finding what works best for you. So get out of that gym and have some fun! Whether it's hiking, biking, Pilates, yoga, or some combination thereof, hop to it!

Point taken, thank you very much. So I happen to work, breathe, socialize and otherwise exist at the neighborhood gym where the only other singles are over the age of 80.

#6: A Financial Planner
Most of our mothers went from their father's house to the sorority house to their husband's house. Not today's single gal. Most of us make enough money to live alone, give to charity, and still go on that amazing weekend getaway with the girls. But after awhile, it's time to get smart. Start planning for the future. And that's where a financial advisor comes in. Even in these troubled times, investing in the future is a safe bet.

Does anyone else in my close circle of friends think that this point is a little ironic? Hmmmmm. In case you're wondering, I didn't make this one up. I really didn't.

#7: A Sense of Adventure
As we get older and our responsibilities grow, we often find ourselves feeling saddled with commitments like mortgage payments, family obligations, job duties. But a single gal must never lose her sense of adventure. Whether that means jumping out of a plane, buying that fire-engine red dress, or flying to Vegas for an impromptu weekend of decadence, go for it!

Why do all the examples of the above point remind me of my ex-husband? Must be the references to "fire engine" and "Vegas," two things that should have been giant red flags. Call me boring, but after that relationship, I'm ready for a sense of adventure that involves planting a new flower, finding a better route to Ben's school, or, if I'm feeling really crazy, learning how to make sushi.

#8: A Hair Stylist
Most women put a lot of stock -- and product -- in our hair. And if we're not happy, it affects how we present ourselves to the world. So if you haven't already, splurge a little and find the perfect stylist to meet your needs. You won't regret it!

Gotta concur on this point. One word: Natalie.

#9: The Right Technology
I used to live with a boyfriend who had a surround-sound system. When we broke up, I held off on buying a new TV, speakers, or any other electronic devices for a long time. My logic was: The next boyfriend will have all that. After several short-term relationships involving tech-savvy men and their toys, I eventually invested in my own system. Whether it's a home theater system, a decent computer, or just an iPod with your fave tunes, it's time to take stock of what you may be waiting for a mate to provide. And immediately provide it for yourself.

Duh...! Is this 1949 or 2009?

So there you have it. The top nine essentials for today's single gal. May you learn it, love it, and live by it. (And with that flirty self-confidence and perfectly coifed 'do, may you look good doing it, too!)
Indeed, there you have it. Shouldn't these pointers fall under the title of "9 Things A Superficial and Shallow Girl Has To Have?" I'm just saying...


Lish said...

I really want to comment on this, but that perky list made me sooooo sleepy. I just can't wait to get off work in a half hour so I can get to my single girl's life which consists of feeding the cat, watching two hours of So You Think You Can Dance, eating a slice of left over birthday cake and going to bed. Thank God I don't believe Cosmo anymore.

Mouthy Housewife said...

the guys at my gym are primarily gay so that is out