Death By Cable

The final nail is about to be hammered into the coffin that contains my social life.

Expanded cable is being installed on Tuesday.

I will officially have absolutely no reason to leave the house. Because it's summer and Little League is over and Ben's day camp is a short walk around the corner.

Yes, it's very un-yoga-like, this excitement over getting 200+ television channels. But before you go judging me for choosing Don Draper over meditation, it's probably best to have all the facts, yes?

I have never had this many channels in my entire life.

There was a brief period of about five years when I had some semblance of "Expanded Cable" because someone who no longer lives here (my ex) messed around with the cable line and got us a free upgrade.

My "Somewhat Illegal Expanded Cable" provided access to Food Network, Style and Playhouse Disney, all of which helped me to cultivate necessary single mom skills: cook to impress, dress to kill and entertain my child in the process.

And all was well and good until the channels starting going away.

First, it was Style. I desperately missed the annoying, yet fashion savvy Elizabeth Hasselback and the 30 minutes of frenzied shopping to come up with the perfect outfit for under $100.

Then, Food Network disappeared and so did our nightly ritual of watching themed cakes teeter, and sometimes tumble. The program, I could take or leave, but Ben completely delighted in the mishaps of the bakers. He learned the word "crap" from that show. I can only imagine what the new line-up will teach him.

Then, last week, all hell broke loose when the morning babysitter - aka: The Cartoon Network - didn't show.

After frantically calling up the cable company, I learned that I've probably paid way too much money for all my "a la carte" services (phone, cable, Internet) and that by bundling them all together, I'd save a little and gain a lot. In the way of couch time, of course.

Did I mention that I talked the guy into a DVR? A few months of free HBO? Showtime, too?

Yeah, I'm looking at a long summer with Dr. Oz, Oprah and maybe Ellen. And my new friends, The Tudors.

I'm not the selfish type so I made sure that Ben would have something to kill his brain cells too enjoy. He gets upwards of 15 channels. Fifteen! How times have changed. I remember adjusting the rabbit ears over and over, praying for clear reception for my one allowed television show each week: The Brady Bunch. Deprivation is clearly a word that we don't throw around much in our household (case in point - my son's bedroom is starting to resemble the Lego Store).

My only dilemma now is how to react when the cable person comes to my home to re-wire the lines and notices that things aren't exactly on the up-and-up in the backyard. Fortunately, I do wide-eyed innocence pretty well.

By tomorrow night, we'll be full swing into the cake or as Ben calls it, the "crap" program again, I'll be purging my closet from ingesting too much fashion advice and Ben will be settled into back to back rounds of Sponge Bob and God knows what else. Family life at it's best, no?

As for my social life, is it possible to spend more time at home? I'm not sure, but I think I'm about to find out!