Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Rules Of The Road

I just took a long weekend away, since Ben was with his dad in Maui (yes, again, I know...). I checked myself out of everyday life under the ruse of taking Pilates training courses and learning more about my trade. But that's not exactly what happened during my getaway. I thought I'd share some of the real lessons gleaned from my recent weekend adventure:

Rule #1: Driving twenty miles over the posted speed limit on Highway 80, in the middle of Truckee, will certainly get you a face-to-face meeting with a not-so-sympathetic CHP officer. He will definitely be good looking, but he will not fall prey to your sweet smile and overtures. He will show no mercy when writing up your ticket and you should not feel compelled to thank him when you are pulling away. You are, after all, the one making the big, fat donation to California.

Rule #2: When suffering from bronchitis or any other infection of the chest and/or lung area, don't expect said illness/condition to become bearable at 7,000 feet of elevation. Do expect to feel like your head will explode for several days. Do have the number of the nearest hospital on hand, just in case.

Rule #3: Under no circumstances, should alcohol, antibiotics and altitude be combined.

Rule #4: See Rule #3.

Rule #5: See Rule #3 and #4.

Rule#6: Passing up an opportunity to be "The Cougar" for a night will not score you any points in the story telling department. If he's cute, 26 and he actually calls, (even despite the fact that you blow your nose at least 58 times while flirting with him) take a chance and press the green button on the cell phone instead of the red button. Honor thy online friend, L, for attempting and succeeding so well at "The Cougar" role.

Rule #7: Do not ask anyone in casino uniform where the exit doors are. Their sole purpose is to keep you trapped in the casino. Once you have wandered the non-stop maze of Silver Legacy, Circus Circus and El Dorado for 30 minutes, your only chance of escape is to go UP. A casino escalator is your good friend in these situations.

Rule #8: When planning to visit an international pilates center, do a teeny tiny bit of legwork before actually showing up, otherwise you'll find out that the classes are booked. For weeks.

Rule #9: Upon retreating to mountain condo, take a few DVDs or any kind of book that does not have the words "Spirituality" or "Self Help" in the title. Unless you want to crawl the walls with boredom and wonder how you ever thought that Mother's Day spent in solidarity could be wonderful.

Rule #10: Ask how much the massage will be BEFORE the massage is actually over.


Kirsten said...

Did you ex take Ben away over Mother's Day?

Sounds like an eventful trip. :-)

Kari said...

1. I always say "thank you" too when I get a ticket. What the F am I thanking them for? Seriously, it's not like it's going to get me out of the ticket by being polite - at that point, it's already written.

2. Having the same affliction recently, I've also realized not to expect 90+ degree heat to make it any better.

3/4/5. Good tips.

6. That would have been good blogging material, at the very least. And yes, L is the Cougar Master.

7. I wonder if they train the casino staff to direct you through the most complex route out of the casino.

8. That is so me...I'm really bad at planning ahead.

9. Reason # 1 you should not have passed up the Cougar opportunity - you could have been crawling the walls for a whole other reason.

10. Hilarious!